Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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