dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
