You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
