Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
