I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
