this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
