Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
