please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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