Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Randomize
