A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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