my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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