You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
