Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
