I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
