I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
