i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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