at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
