he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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