I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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