There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
