Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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