Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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