How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
