This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
where are you?
Hypothermia
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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