White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
