I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
