We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
