I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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