awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
