I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You're my little dorito
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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