so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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