The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
