I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
