glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
