There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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