I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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