I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
