So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
