Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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