doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
