Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
