on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
