omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
