If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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