my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
