He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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