I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
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While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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