what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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