someone threw a dead crab at me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
