i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
