Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
