apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
