The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
