it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This is the high leading the old right now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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