i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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