Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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