what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
