I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
